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Every Time, Everywhere #0004: And Now, The News


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You sip your soda and peer at the front page of the newspaper. It's all boring stuff about politics, a nasty fire, and some rowdy kids at Brighton University. You find this suspicious. Sure enough, once you open the newspaper, page 2 and 3 are full of superhero-antics. It seems that the capes and cowls have been flying through this world's airspace long enough that they're too pedestrian for the front page, unless something happens that actually affects people. Let's see ...

Some military dudes in Germany are drawing fire for creating a "Mechazaud Gear" (which seems to be some kind of bipedal tank which uses magic) which was a perfect recreation of the "gear" unit originally piloted by Adolph Hitler, "Mechanische Zauber D, Codenamen Zahnrad (lit. Mechanical Magic D, codenamed Gear)." The article mentions that Germany deliberately chose a non-descriptive codename after the failure of the Y-Gerät radar system, makes a passing reference to a lone allied soldier defeating that Gear on foot, and describes how much more advanced Mechazaud Gears have become since then, before smoothly transitioning back into the tastelessness of the recreation of something which was literally used by Hitler. OK, so in this timeline, Hitler was the final boss of World War 2. Big whoop-de-doo.

Abstract Hero proposed to Golden Girl after they prevented Thor Station, a satellite-mounted laser beam pointed down, from crashing into the earth after it was taken over by Doctor Devilish. Which is apparently his actual real name, Richard Emmanuel Devilish Sr., PHD. Anyway, Doctor Devilish wanted to use it to conquer the world, but an explosion occurred due to poor maintenance in the systems Doctor Devilish added to it, and it started to fall out of orbit. Golden Girl, Abstract Hero, and Abstract Hero's evil twin Abstract Villain (who was along for the ride because if Earth was destroyed, he would die, too) successfully blew it up it, so that all that happened was a meteor shower. And then Abstract Hero proposed to Golden Girl. Kiiiiind of much too narrowly focused for your tastes, and slightly too large a scale for your capabilities anyway, even setting aside the fact that it's over and done with now.

Video game publisher Capcom of America has just lost a lawsuit against Kenneth T. Mello, alias The Blue Bomber, over his use of the nickname of Capcom's character Mega Man. The main reason Capcom lost was because they did not, in fact, have a copyright on the name "Blue Bomber"; it was just a nickname given to Mega Man by the English-speaking world for no apparent reason. Mello's "Blue Bomber" costume didn't even remotely resemble Mega Man in any way. It mentions the fact that Capcom had no problem with the Canadian football team the Winnipeg Blue Bombers just in time for you to completely lose interest in the story.

Superhumanly-precise-gunman and Groucho-impersonator Henry Julius Kenz, alias Marx Man or alternatively Marks Man (you mentally applaud the gutsiness of that pun) has just escaped being kidnapped by psychic serial killer Prayer's Mania, who has this "game" which is vaguely a ripoff of the Saw movies, which the article mentions Prayer's Mania has apparently not actually watched before. Yeah, okay, if this kind of drivel is going to be what all of them are like, you might as well toss the paper and go out and find your own foreshadowing. And/or lower your standards. Yeah, the article says he's fine and would have kicked PM's ass if not for the read-your-mind-to-see-how-you'll-try-to-attack-him thing (which you don't think you'll have a problem with), and now it's just mentioning some disappearances and deaths which have been attributed to Prayer's Mania, like Gabe Rosenblum, Scotty K. Luby, Jenny Nowhere —

You do a classic spittake, right back into your soda glass. Looks like you have an enemy here after all!

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3 Comments (auto-closed) (rss feed)


"OK, so in this timeline, Hitler was the final boss of World War 2. Big whoop-de-doo."

I think the paragraph is good without this - I mean, I got the joke. ♥

Dizzy H. Muffin

That remark was as much about Jenny's reaction as anything else, but, ehh.


Oh man, more of this, please!