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List of ridiculous search engine hits leading to this site

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Always use secure-HTTP / Secure HTTP / Permanent Link

I coded up a PHP script which goes through my server's logs, trawls through every single hit on the site (excluding spammers where this is possible), and coallates it into something resembling viewable data -- how many hits come from a particular other web page, what the request was for, and so on. It also keeps track of search engine hits, and what the search term was. This is a list of search terms which I find particularly strange, disturbing, silly, amusing or "why the hell would they follow a link to my site if they were searching for that." This is not meant to be a comprehensive list.

Search terms for phrases I personally invented (i.e. "Shikienanigans" or "oriental cat prettyface" or "ker-slamuel") are automatically disqualified from this list, unless the context is particularly silly. Note that this is not an exact science: I am going by the "referral" headers sent by the web browsers of people visiting my site, and these can be faked.

  • cheeee(a total of 100 e's)eeeen - Har har. There's always someone searching for it these days ...
  • alice in bondage [WARNING, RESULTS WILL BE NSFW] - Oh yeahhhhhhh. (This was from a while back. I couldn't find my site on the first ten or so pages of a Google search result when I tried just now.)
  • giantess alice margatroid - When someone puts "giantess" into a Google search, Google also returns hits for "giant" as well. This was the first Google result that linked to my site.
  • no - As of this writing, this is third-most searched-for term in my site logs. (That is, if the same person clicks multiple links to my site, or the same link multiple times, it will count all of them.) After some digging, I discovered that it was an Oh No Robot search within my comic. Several searches, in fact. I can't imagine what the searcher expected to accomplish by searching for a common word, especially considering Oh No Robot includes partial-word matches (so it also matches things like "enough" and "Cirno," with the end result that it matches practically everything).
  • rabbitshipping touhou - What?
  • don't be fooled touhou is for real men - Heh.
  • snowman mspa - Snowman is a female character from MS Paint Adventures. It appears that at some point while Google was searching, her name and "MSPA" appeared somewhere on a Create.swf Adventures page.
  • raaaaaaaawr comix - Aside from Google trying to correct the spelling of "raaaaaaaawr," this is the hit.
  • touhou 11 subterranean animalism - It's "animism," bro.
  • people die when they are killed touhou - The result is sillier than the search term itself, to a certain extent.
  • muffin past tense - What, like ... the past tense of the word "muffin" or something? (It got my romaji guide.)1
  • nekoksayou and touhou nekokayoi (note the spelling!) - The significant part of this is, Google is correcting misspellings of "Nekokayou."
  • kimikomufffin - and, for that matter, my screen name.
  • abraham lincoln touhou - Ahahahaha, what? And I'm the top result, too, thanks to my discussion of Time Travel Tense Trouble (Warning, link leads to TVTropes. Muffin will not be held responsible for hours of time lost as a result of following it.But see also this disclaimer) using Lincoln's assassination as an example.
  • is marisa in touhou a lesbian? - Only in fanon, goofball.
  • koishi mixed with flandre - What? (It got this because it uses the word "mixed" at one point.)
  • yasora (as of 20 November '10) - What, already!?
  • "cirno smash" - My site is now the top result for this on Google, beating out the Scarlet Weather Rhapsody/Hisoutensoku wiki, which is where I got the phrase in the first place. I'm not sure how I feel about that.2 Nope! The Hisoutensoku wiki is now at the top. Wait no now I'm on top again! ... I'm just gonna stop trying to keep track.
  • I got momentarily excited/amused at the sight of "wstfgl" appearing in the results, but it turned out to be specifically searching within Nekokayou on OhNoRobot.
  • e to the - Someone searched my comic in Oh No Robot for this, and apparently clicked it four times before realizing that it was matching literally every single comic.
  • kisume i has a bucket - Noooo they be stealin' my bucket
  • do u wamt 2 nmkl;'wtmnjthrgjfejdwklsarfgeih wjqkmo;lfycrrrrrrr,mtnnnnnnnnaodycgtfrrrrrrrrrasn m,>>>>>>>>>>>> - No comment.
  • site:dizzy.pestermom.com "because aliens from the" - Okay, I said I wouldn't include phrases I personally had created, but.
  • arakune vs noel - ... what? I can't even find my site on the first twelve Google pages, and there's supposedly a hit from the first page. Damn referral-fakers.
  • Starting to get results for things like homestuck troll quadrants and kismesissitude definition. So that's cool.
  • This does not, however, explain "kanaya kanaya feferi terezi Aradia Nepeta Karkat! Karkat. Karkat Gamzee Sollux Nepeta Feferi! <3 g-g-g-gamzee aradia. vriska. eridan terezi" which someone put into Bing, using a newline character between each word.
  • Variations on random pairing generator, which is awesome.
  • aaaaaaaaaaaaa - AAAAAAAAAAAAA (AAAAAAAAAAAAA)A
  • ao usagi - This is the very first hit after the (probably not SFW) Danbooru ones.
  • touhou in japanese red - Particularly odd that I'm the top result, because without any portion of SWR's title, "In Japanese Red" is usually the second half of Bohemian Archive. (As an aside, in Google, "scarlet weather archive" autocompletes to "in japanese red.")
  • villainmad - Well, well, well ...
  • muffinoly - In Google, this autocorrects to "muffiny."
  • scarlet weather rhapsody in japanese red - You missed.
  • that fan comic i read 2 years ago about touhou and different timelines - This was at the bottom of the first page. Might not quite have been what they were looking for, if I was even what they wanted, but ...
  • reimu and marisa are heterosexual life partners - And this was the first result.
  • lung - There were nine hits from an OhNoRobot search (mostly they were "lunge" and variants thereof), despite the fact that there were only six results.
  • how to paint dizzy circles on walls - This was the first result, for a few seconds.
  • Variations on auto air and vacuum service plainview ny - Apparently I'm not the only one who got worried.
  • List of ridiculous search engine hits leading to this site - Yo dawg.

Honorable mention

This section is for search results which are more ... "understandable," but must have been a disappointment if they came to my site.

  • Various pornographic/NSFW search terms (of course).
  • komachi makes shikieiki dress like a maid
  • deep space nine model - I figured out that it's because of this, which mentioned a model from Star Trek: TOS which was recreated in Deep Space Nine ...
  • tsundere alice and alice tsundere - har har. Also, that page is respectively the first and second hit for those two searches.
  • rpg maker remilia scarlet.png
  • touhou marisa evil
  • homestuck midnight crew: drawing dead download - buy it, numpnuts
  • touhou yaoi - It got this. THANKS, Vivi.
  • masha and the red robed goddess - I'm the top result.
  • flandre princess resurrection - Oops. The hit was for comic 53, with "resurrection" as the title of another comic.
  • japanese word for headphone - Probably the first of such searches which would get something halfway useful, but still.
  • john egbert victory dance gif - It got the dialogue image here.
  • touhou deus ex - Yeah. (It is quite clear that Rumia never asked for this.)
  • what would marisa do if jeff approached her mother with the same tactic - A Yahoo search got this. I don't know why it thinks "Jeff" is relevant there, beyond the relevance of "Sweet Bro and Hella" to that story, but ...

I realize that I'm probably inviting Google-disaster by putting this here ... actually, y'know what, I've now set it up to bit actually hide the search-results here from search-crawlers. ;)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

1Funnier after Portal 2. "The plural of 'muffin' is 'muffins.' The past tense of 'muffins' is 'muffinsed.'"

2On top of which, one of the other Google results is someone searching Nekokayou on OhNoRobot for "hole."

21 Comments (auto-closed) (rss feed)

-ED

nekoksayou: So say we all.

universalperson

And the sad part is that Alice tied up? Canon.

Cyberchao X

I've still been trying to complete the Che(x)n project...I took care of a few of the missing ones in some apropos YouTube videos.

sRc

haha, I love reading search engine logs, the strangest stuff always shows up.

Hartmann Guy

"don't be fooled touhou is for real men"
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Several games with several loli in several dress.
Mouahahahahaha.

CapedLuigisYoshi

@Hartmann Guy: Don't be fooled, Touhou is for REAL MEN. (And other groups.) :P

SDM

Ha. I remember another site had a similar section entitled "Googler's Corner." And it had all the weird searches that let to hits. (One of them was, and I'm not joking, "oob oob oob oob oob oob oob bbb.") Get enough of these weird searches and I think this would make a great feature.

Beta Maxis

Google is actually offering spell suggestions for 'Nekokayou?' Oh that is priceless

MWchase

Huh. The top result for "abraham lincoln touhou" is actually the random comic redirect.

That's kind of hilarious, but pages like that shouldn't be indexed, right? Or at least, not with the content that google saw once.

Kimiko Muffin

It's showing a direct link to the comic in my search results. :o

And anyway, I've already set it to "rel=nofollow" in the HTML stuff. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do to stop Google from doing that kind of thing ...

sRc

well its not coming up in Google for me anymore, so looks like that did it

MWchase

And suddenly, the results are all different. B'DUH!

Still indexing rand=thcomic, for whatever reason. But now it is Shikienanigans: Round 2.

I'd suggest messing with robots.txt, but from what I can see, that wouldn't actually, um... work, in general. I guess disallowing rand=thcomic would work, to get that fixed up (though, it seems to me like Shikienanigans: Round 2 is hard to google intentionally, so...)

I suspect getting this fixed generally would require either a modification to how urls are set up (which sounds like a pain), or lobbying for robots.txt to support more than what it does, which sounds like even more of a pain.

(Gaack. Why am I writing walls of text here, instead of in my NaNoWriMo?)

Joe4evr

So, why does a search for something from this picture get this site as a result?

The Blue Jelly

Because Touhou is for REAL MEN, obviously...

I'm curious as to what the person searching for Touhou yaoi was expecting to find with a series that has... 3 male characters in canon? One of which hates non-humans, one's whereabouts are unknown, and one is MANnosuke- oh, okay... MANnosuke... But still...
DS9 model is entertaining, as the 6's cape and the 9 is what it must've seen =P
Abraham Lincoln Touhou... Interesting premise for a cross-fic... no idea how it'd be pulled off, though XD
"komachi makes shikieiki dress like a maid" What the *hell* linked this one here?

Anyways, now I wish I control over an active site so I could do this. Is it really as entertaining as it sounds?

Kimiko Muffin

"komachi makes shikieiki dress like a maid" What the *hell* linked this one here?

At the moment, this very page is the top result. But the next highest are from the Shikeikinanigans story-arc, by way of e.g. "A Maid's Work" from the list of other comics and "like" and "dress" being common enough words.

I'm not sure what I feel about the fact that this page skews the results ... ;)

Morgan

You'll probably have some more hits for "wstfgl" out of me wondering what it was and searching. `.`

I'd also say that if you started seeing hits for "mxlnt", I could be to blame, since I've started using it different places... but it too seems to bring up a lot of other hits that... seem rather unrelated to the true spirit of mxlnt. (Although one hit on the first page just might be my evil twin. o.O )

I can't help but wonder what "masha and the red robed goddess" was *supposed* to lead to. I know there's fanart of Masha, but I have yet to hear of any shipping doujinshi...

I wish there was a way to get things like "newest pages" and "newest comments" to not be searched. I was once looking for a comment I'd made on a particular comic, but since I had a comment in the recent comments, just searching for my name brought up a lot of extraneous results.

sRc

I'm having a feeling now the "masha and the red robed goddess" might be totally unrelated to here, actually. got this ebook for free through B&N recently (book itself was released several years ago I guess) with a character named "Masha" in it, and from what I've read of it that might be related to that story

Kimiko Muffin

Masha's just a generic Russian-ish name, anyway.

(It's also the name of one of the Little Sisters in Bioshock.)

Morgan

I can probably claim responsibility for the "because aliens from the" one... I remember wanting to quote it somewhere but not remembering how many extra Os were in "moon".

Also it looks like the kind of search I do.

memnarch

RE: "cirno smash"

You're back at the top again!

Kimiko Muffin

Noted! :3