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Pesterlog: Rosemary Karezi

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Premise: adding the "trademark" symbol to Kanaya's dialogue would make it sound at least 300% sassier. So combine her genes with Rose's ... and then let her talk to someone else who was the result of genes which were combined in a more normal manner ...

But yeah, basically this was just me fooling around and writing for my own amusement.

Rain Maryam Lalonde™ SaSSY LiMeBLOOD

-- tentacleAuxiliatrix [TA] began pestertrolling gallowsGeneticist [GG] --

TA: Hey, How's It Going?™
GG: RaiN MaRYaM LaLONDe, DO YOU HaVe THe SHiTTieST TiMiNG OR WHaT?
TA: I'm Sorry, Should I Trollpester You Later?™
GG: UGH, i CaN NeVeR TeLL iF YOU'Re BeiNG SiNCeRe OR SaRCaSTiC.
TA: That Was Actually Sincerity This Time.™
GG: iN THaT CaSe, NOW THaT i THiNK OF iT, YOU'Re aCTUaLLY a WeLCOMe ...
GG: ... DiSTaCTiON.terezicool.gif
TA: What Is The Specific Problem?™
GG: YOU HaVe TO aSK? iT WaS MY MaLe aNCeSTOR "PaReNT" GUY BeiNG JUST THe MOST GiGaNTiC TOOL THiS SiDe OF PaRaDOX SPaCe.
GG: HUGe FUCKiNG HeaDLiNe NeWS, i KNOW.
GG: SO WHaT DiD YOU WaNT TO TaLK aBOUT?
TA: I Just Felt Like Chatting With One O' My Gal Pals.™
TA: You Know, Indulging In This Ectobiological-Human/Troll-Hybrid Emotion Called Friendship.™
GG: aHaHaHaHa FUCK, THeRe YOU GO aGaiN, PaRaPHRaSiNG SHiT OUR PaReNTS SaiD FUCKiNG SWeePS aGO.
GG: i KNOW, LeT Me TRY!
GG: "FRieNDSHiP iSN'T aN eMOTiON, SHiTSPONGe!" "THeRe i aM NOW aN eNORMOUS TOOL FOReVeR!!!!!!!"
GG: WiTH eiGHT SURPRiSE NOODLeS CUZ SeRKeT. TOOL X3 COMBO!
GG: OR WaiT, THaT'S PROBaBLY X4, SiNCe THe COMBO THiNG iS aLSO a QUOTe, FUCK iF i KNOW WHaT iT'S FROM THOUGH.
TA: Whereas Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff Is Just Untouchably Perfect.™
GG: SWeeT BRO aND HeLLa JeFF iS SO SHiTTY iT TURNS iNTO aWeSOMe COMiNG FROM THe OTHeR DiReCTiON.
GG: i MeaN, SaY WHaT YOU LiKe aBOUT THe STRiDeRS, iT TaKeS a SHiTLOaD OF DeDiCaTiON aND eFFORT TO MaKe SOMeTHiNG THaT WiLLFULLY-TeRRiBLe.
TA: Yes, I'M The One Who It's Hard To Tell Whether I'm Being Sincere Or Sarcastic.™
GG: RaiN
GG: i aM JUST THe MOST SiNCeReLY SaRCaSTIC TROLL (aND ViCe VeRSa)
GG: YOU DON'T eVeN KNOW.
GG: aND iT'S PROBaBLY BeCaUSe i'Ve BeeN KiNDa VieWiNG BOTH OF MY "PaReNTS" aS MY aNCeSTOR, SORT OF?
GG: SO i'M GeTTiNG MY JUST-ROLLiNG-WiTH-iT OUT-aND-OUT PSYCHOSiS, aND PaRT OF MY TYPiNG QUiRK, FROM MY MOTHeR
GG: aND MY aNGRY-BUT-NOT-aCTUaLLY-FOOLiNG-aNYONe aSSHOLe TeNDeNCieS FROM MY
GG: SHiT
GG: WHaT'S THe WORD FOR MaLe PaReNT aGaiN?
TA: "Father."™
TA: Do These Things Seriously Give You That Much Trouble?™
TA: It's Like We Don't Have Plenty Of Human Friends Between The Two Of Us Or Something.™
GG: FUCK, i DUNNO. i KNOW "MOTHeR GRUB", aND SiBLiNGS CUZ OF THe iNCeSTUOUS SLURRY, BUT aFTeR THaT iT'S aLL WeiRD aLieN HUMaN SHiT aS FaR aS i'M CONCeRNeD.
TA: This Is The Part Where I Begin A Sentence With, "Why Is It That Whenever The Subject Of Human Familial Relationships Is Broached"™
GG: THiS iS THe PaRT WHeRe i LaUGH MY aSS OFF WiTH MY MiDDLe FiNGeR RaiSeD.
TA: But Seriously, It's Just Memorization Of Vocabulary Words.™
TA: It's Not Actually Complicated Like Time Travel Or Something.™
GG: HaH, DON'T STaRT THaT SHiT aGaiN.
GG: BUT YeaH, i GOT eNOUGH TROUBLe WiTH a ROYaLLY FUCKeD-UP FaMiLY TRYiNG TO RaiSe Me LiKe HUMaNS iN DeFiaNCe OF SOCiaL NORMS aND aLL OF OUR iNSTiNCTS.
TA: Yes, This Is All Very Interesting.™
TA: By All Means, Continue.™
GG: HaHaHaHa JeGUS FUCK, WHY aM i TeLLiNG YOU aBOUT MY PROBLeMS, YOU'Re JUST GONNa GO iNTO YOUR BULLSHiT iRONiC PSYCHOaNaLYSiS ROUTiNe.
TA: No, See, It's Satirical, Not Ironic.™
TA: The Pursuit Of The Brothers Strider Is Some Kind Of Weird Shitty Insincerity For Its Own Sake Because They're A Couple Of Gigantic Weirdos Who Don't Actually Understand The Point Of Irony, And Think It's A Magic Ticket To Seeming Cool.™
GG: aMaZiNG, YOU FiNaLLY UTTeReD a COMPLeTe SeNTeNCe WHiCH i aCTUaLLY aGReeD WiTH. CONGRaTS! ›:]
TA: I Still Say The Unicode Right-Pointing Angle Quotation Isn't The Best Way You Could Represent Your Horns, But Thank You.™
TA: As I Was Saying, Though, The Purpose Of My Satire Is To Be Funny, In A Way Which Exposes The Flaws In My Human Mother's More Sincere Psychoanalysis Attempts.™
GG: THe PROBLeM WiTH THaT iS, YOUR HUMaN MOTHeR'S BeNiGHTeDLY PRePOSTeROUS aTTeMPTS aT SiNCeRe PSYCHOaNaLYSiS aRe PReTTY MUCH DiSTiLLeD COMeDY aS-iS.
GG: aDDiNG, UH, MiLK aND SPiCeS aND aLL THe SWeeTeNiNG iSN'T ReaLLY GONNa MaKe iT HeaLTHieR.
TA: That Is Just The Best Goddamn Mixed Metaphor Ever.™
GG: WHaT i'M SaYiNG iS, THeRe ReaLLY iSN'T MUCH ROOM FOR YOU TO iMPROVe ON iT WiTH YOUR OWN WaLLS OF PURPLe PROSe.
GG: OR ... LaVeNDeR PROSe. WHaTeVeR.
GG: MaaaaaaaN, WHY CaN'T YOU DO NORMaL HeMOTYPiNG?
TA: I Just Like The Shade I Get When I Mix My Mothers' Text Colors.™
TA: It Just Kind Of Fits Me Better.™
GG: HUH, I WaS HaLF eXPeCTiNG YOU TO SaY YOU THOUGHT YOUR BLOOD COLOR LOOKeD LiKe SHiT.
TA: There's Nothing Wrong With The Earthtone Blood That Comes From Mixing Jade With Candy Red.™
TA: I Actually Think My Parents' Blood Colors Mixed Quite Nicely.™
TA: I Use It In Trollian Discussions With My Past And Future Selves To Make It Easier To Pick Our Respective Statements Apart.™
TA: See, Not Everyone Is Self-Conscious Of Their Blood Colors Like You And Your Dad Always Are.™
GG: HUH? NO, i'M MaKiNG FUN OF HiM WHeN I aCT LiKe THaT. i'M BeiNG "SaTiRiCaL," i GUeSS.
GG: We BOTH WOULD'Ve BeeN MURDeReD ON aLTeRNiA, CUZ OF CaNDY-ReD aND LiME, BUT HeRe ...
TA: Here, You Are In Fact Proud To Wear The Contents Of Your Heart On Your Sleeve.™
GG: aHaHaHaHa, YeS!!
GG: GONNa STeaL THaT LiNe.
GG: BUT YeaH, i WaS aLMOST GONNa USe "sassyLimeblood" aS MY TROLLHaNDLE. MiGHT STiLL DO iT, iT'D JUST Be a PaiN TO GeT eVeRYONe TO CHaNGe OVeR.
TA: I Guess Your Satire Is A Little Too Spot On, Then.™
TA: The Joke Version Is So Accurate, It's Indistinguishable From The Real Thing.™
GG: HMM, YeaH ...
GG: THeRe NeeDS TO Be a NaMe FOR WHeN THaT HaPPeNS.
TA: We Could Name It After You.™
GG: YeaH, We TOTaLLY NeeD MY NaMe iN MORe PLaCeS THaN iT aLReaDY iS.
TA: Oh Right, You Also Like To Throw Tantrums Over Your Name.™
GG: MY PaReNTS COULD'Ve USeD THe SLiGHTeST CReaTiViTY iN NaMiNG Me. OR, Y'KNOW, JUST DONe THe USUaL TROLL THiNG, LiKe THeY SHOULD'Ve DONe iN LiTeRaLLY eVeRY OTHeR THiNG aBOUT MY LiFe.
GG: BUT NOOOOOOOOO, i GeT TO Be THe TROLL KiD NaMeD "KaReZi VaNOPe."
GG: aWeSOMe, iSN'T iT?
TA: Statements Like That Are Also Why You're The Most Sincerely-Sarcastic-And-Vice-Versa Troll.™
GG: OH WiLL YOU CaN iT WiTH THe GODDaMN CaLLBaCKS ALREADY.
TA: If I Must.™
TA: As For The Walls Of Text, Your Wordcount Always Ends Up Being Higher Than Mine.™
GG: HMM. iT aPPeaRS i HaVe BeeN BURNeD.
GG: QUiTe aCCURaTeLY, TOO!
GG: DO YOU THiNK i SHOULD PeRFORM SOMe SORT OF aCROBaTiC FUCKiNG PiROUeTTE OFF THe HaNDLe WHiLST YOU UTTeR a SWeeT BRO aND HeLLa JeFF QUOTe?
TA: Sure, Why Not.™
GG: CeRTaiNLY, THeN!
GG: "RaaaRaRRaaUUUaaaaUUaGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!"

-- gallowsGeneticist [GG] threw down her husktop in mock disgust. --

TA: It Keeps Happening.™

3 Comments (auto-closed) (rss feed)

Medinoc

That was funny. And pretty in-character too if one can picture the parents...

Kimiko Muffin

Heh, thanks ...

I guess OCs (and fantrolls in particular) are more acceptable in the Homestuck fandom? I dunno, I felt kinda weird about this.

(in b4 I make a sequel about Rain using Trollian to ironically satirically chat with her past and future selves)

Linhasxoc

Oh no, Muffin, you ship Rosemary? I am dissapoint.

JK, this was actually pretty funny. I need all the Homestuck stuff I can get in this drought.



...Grimdorks FTW