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2014/07/29 - Weird Gender Shit

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Okay, so ... this is kind of an incomplete thought here, in part because I've had so much trouble articulating exactly how I'm feeling, and I might even come up with entirely different results from what I have here. But this is where I'm at right now, so here goes.

So ... self-recognition issues are a common enough symptom for people on the autism spectrum (I was diagnosed with Asperger's closer to my birth than to my present age). Most of the time, I just don't think of myself and my appearance, and this isn't a problem; I know who I am, and so do other people. I dress in Men's Clothes and present myself as-is pretty much entirely because this is the path of least resistance. But every so often ...

Well, let's just cut to the chase, I have come to the conclusion that I don't really identify as male. Having come to that conclusion, I've found it even harder to identify with myself and my appearance.

I can look at myself in the mirror easily enough when I shave (I've never been able to get myself completely clean-shaven — other than that I look sort of Clark Kent-ish), but not too long. Taking a picture of myself, particularly for the express purpose of displaying myself as myself to the world, is out of the question; I fired up Interstellar Selfie Station, grimaced, and immediately closed it. This is why my avatar everywhere is of an anime goddess with Kamina shades photoshopped onto her. At first I thought it was my stubble, since beards are basically the symbol of masculinity apart from genitals, but last night I was with my father at a restaurant with a big mirror on the back wall, and I couldn't even look at myself from ten seats away.

On the other hand ... I really don't identify as female, either, at least to the extent that it would actually be worth the effort and money and emotional stress (on top of my existing emotional problems) of an irrevocable and messy sex change. I'm comfortable with the concept of being male, at least physically, and I instinctively feel like chainging my phsyical self that much isn't the answer. If, like, we were at the technology level of Ian M. Banks's Culture, or I could swing by Jusenkyo, then being phsyically female would be a nice place to visit, but I am 70% sure I don't actually want to live there, and for the remaining 30%, see the rest of this paragraph.

I'm sort of ... not even 100% sure what the exact parameters of the problem are, which makes coming up with a solution somewhat problematic. I guess I could just grow my hair out and find something to do with my beard (laser-removal is expensive and not covered by insurance), so ... my conclusion at the moment is just generally "hmmmm."

EDIT: Someone just asked what pronouns people should use in response to this. I replied that I honestly don't care.

3 Comments (auto-closed) (rss feed)

edderiofer

Understandable, same here. If only society were more tolerant of crossdressing and all that.

Dizzy H. Muffin

I think if "crossdressing and all that" is what you're taking away from this, you are really looking at it from the wrong angle.

This is about identity, the true self, the "soul" if you will, not the arbitrarily-shaped pieces of cloth I put on myself.

Paper Crease

I understand how this feels; I've been in pretty much the exact same situation for the past few months. (I don't think this is related to autism or anything, seeing as [as far as I know[ I don't have any health conditions like that.) The conclusion I've come to is really too cheesy for my tastes, but it sounds like someone should say it.

Your "gender" really shouldn't be all that important; you are who you are and all that shit. If "you" doesn't fit into necessarily being masculine or feminine, whatever. It doesn't really matter, and I hope that in the future that's the attitude that most people will take.

I've also taken the stance of trying to not care much about how I appear physically, but sometimes I look in the mirror and just... bleh. I'd want to be a girl physically if there weren't so many problems in general involving society and dealing with people as well as the sex change and emotional and money problems you also mentioned.

Sorry for responding late, but I hope that my input was at least worth reading.