2014/07/29 - Weird Gender Shit
Created: / Modified:
Okay, so ... this is kind of an incomplete thought here, in part because I've had so much trouble articulating exactly how I'm feeling, and I might even come up with entirely different results from what I have here. But this is where I'm at right now, so here goes.
So ... self-recognition issues are a common enough symptom for people on the autism spectrum (I was diagnosed with Asperger's closer to my birth than to my present age). Most of the time, I just don't think of myself and my appearance, and this isn't a problem; I know who I am, and so do other people. I dress in Men's Clothes and present myself as-is pretty much entirely because this is the path of least resistance. But every so often ...
Well, let's just cut to the chase, I have come to the conclusion that I don't really identify as male. Having come to that conclusion, I've found it even harder to identify with myself and my appearance.
I can look at myself in the mirror easily enough when I shave (I've never been able to get myself completely clean-shaven — other than that I look sort of Clark Kent-ish), but not too long. Taking a picture of myself, particularly for the express purpose of displaying myself as myself to the world, is out of the question; I fired up Interstellar Selfie Station, grimaced, and immediately closed it. This is why my avatar everywhere is of an anime goddess with Kamina shades photoshopped onto her. At first I thought it was my stubble, since beards are basically the symbol of masculinity apart from genitals, but last night I was with my father at a restaurant with a big mirror on the back wall, and I couldn't even look at myself from ten seats away.
On the other hand ... I really don't identify as female, either, at least to the extent that it would actually be worth the effort and money and emotional stress (on top of my existing emotional problems) of an irrevocable and messy sex change. I'm comfortable with the concept of being male, at least physically, and I instinctively feel like chainging my phsyical self that much isn't the answer. If, like, we were at the technology level of Ian M. Banks's Culture, or I could swing by Jusenkyo, then being phsyically female would be a nice place to visit, but I am 70% sure I don't actually want to live there, and for the remaining 30%, see the rest of this paragraph.
I'm sort of ... not even 100% sure what the exact parameters of the problem are, which makes coming up with a solution somewhat problematic. I guess I could just grow my hair out and find something to do with my beard (laser-removal is expensive and not covered by insurance), so ... my conclusion at the moment is just generally "hmmmm."
EDIT: Someone just asked what pronouns people should use in response to this. I replied that I honestly don't care.