2012/09/21: Some More Depression (and a brief discussion of suicide)
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. Or, in my case, it's more that my mind only correlates one thing at a time, but really quickly.
So last night, there I was, lying on my bed in the depths of depression, or at least the depths I usually reach. Earlier that evening, I'd accidentally hurt a friend's feelings due to the latest bit of mutual miscommunication, and only learned of this after I'd become merely mildly depressed on its own, and mild depression will use any excuse to make itself worse. I started thinking about the fact that I have never seriously considered suicide. At most, I just start thinking about "the idea of committing suicide" in abstract, as something other than an intention, and almost immediately hit that lockout of "I will not commit suicide" which any halfway-functioning brain will reach before you actually start making plans (the idea being, for someone who is way more depressed than I've ever been, your brain is not even halfway-functioning). Then my mind started to wander.
I thought about how the creator of Pictures For Sad Children is a fraud, who is not genuinely depressed, and who in fact believes that depression doesn't actually exist, which is the kind of thing that makes me really mad, and want to hulk out and destroy the world, or at least the parts of it that are unjust. But no, I thought, I wasn't going to hulk out or become superpowered or anything, I was just depressed. And then of course "hulking out" made me think of Bruce Banner, and the Avengers movie; and then I thought about how, yeah, you know that Loki's insane in the "comic book supervillain" kind of way, but he's still intelligent throughout it all. In fact, you don't really get to see how out of touch with reality he is until the bit where he goes "ENOUGH! You are all BENEATH ME! I will NOT be bullied by" etc.
In other words, I got a bit distracted from my own depression.
I didn't actually feel "better" afterwards; just "slightly not-as-bad." And it got worse for other reasons before it did get better. I'm not even sure I've still fully recovered.
But y'know, earlier in the week, I decided to actually do something about it. I've gotten in touch with my mom about seeing a doctor about my incessant sleep problems, which I'm pretty sure is the bulk of why I've been depressed. I don't expect it'll involve completely rearranging my life to fix it, but I do know that it is a fixable problem, and I know that soon, I'll see a professonal doctor who knows the first steps towards fixing it.
(Oh, and for those of you wonderin about Cottagesnagged, I'll get in the next update soon. It's just going to be a big-ish one, and this is messing with stuff like that, too.)