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2011/12/27: Depression

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So I'd decided "y'know what, I really don't have to make a big exhaustive 'presents I got'" post. I wasn't expecting to have to make this instead, though. Mostly I'm writing this because I'm inept and terrible at explaining things, so this is a way to get it out in a relatively straightforward manner where it will hopefully be more coherent. And, y'know, just to get it out.

So ... depression. I don't have actual "clinical depression," as such; but sometimes I get episodes of feeling really shitty, which can have similar, if lesser, symptoms/results to "actual" depression. Attempts to appeal to humor never work for very long, if at all. Now, I have several friends who do suffer from depression, and I have taken pains to educate myself on what it might be like, and how to talk to someone who's depressed and how not to talk to someone who's deppressed. I understand that depression isn't necessarily rational, and you can't "logic" your way out of depression; I understand that the conscious answer to "Why?" might not be wholly accurate (by dint of merely being a conscious answer, which is going to be muddled by the depression to begin with), and even if there is something specific you can point to for what set off a particular episode, it might be completely random and pointless. I also know that depression is a lying bastard. All this knowledge kind of helps me, most of the time, when I get these little episodes, but it's not always easy to convey any part of this to other people. This paragraph contains links to a lot of reading material, after all.

Now, yesterday I had an episode of depression which was set off by ... a kinda stupid thing which isn't really relevant right now (see the "completely random and pointless" link above), and which was, in fact, genuinely partly my fault instead of Weird Emotional Shit. This depression actually got to the point where I was seriously thinking about shutting down my website, temporarily or permanently, and how I might go about doing that (no, I'm not actually going to go through with it, don't worry). So ... when I logged in at my various online hangouts, usually the first thing I told people who asked how I was doing was that I was depressed. Mostly, their immediate reaction was to express sympathy.

Except in one case. This was someone who I considered a close friend, you understand, and I felt that I could confide in her about my depression. She said "What's up?" after I logged on, and when I said that I was depressed, her response was something along the lines of "I'm not sure how to rephrase that question." I attempted to explain part of the kinda-stupid-reason, because this was one of the specific things that was on my mind at the time, and she became critical of my response. This had the effect of making me angry and even more depressed, and I logged off in a huff.

Today, when I logged back on, I discovered that she'd cut certain ties with me because I was being a "spoiled brat" when she'd just been trying to understand the "reasons" for my depression.

I hope you understand why this is making me feel even worse.

(Just in case, though, it was the apparent(-to-me) lack of sympathy, plus the fact that it seemed to me like she was focusing on "there must be a reason for it" to the exclusion of actually acknowledging these feelings in the first place, and further completely invalidating my genuine, depressed emotions by entirely writing off a bad reaction to this apparent lack of sympathy as "being a spoiled brat.")

My attempts to explain the situation to her and other people also fell kind of flat because of my aforementioned ineptitude, which resulted in nobody getting the whole story, and further resulted in a feedback-loop of lack-of-understanding, culminating in me exploding and snapping at some people. After I'm done making this post I'm going to have to go and apologize to some people. I'm also doing my best not to be judgmental towards this friend for obviously not having as much detailed knowledge of depression as I do, but still. (EDIT: She responded to this by saying she has, in fact, been diagnosed with clinical depression. She didn't respond to any other part of it, though.)

So ... yeah. Writing this was kind of cathartic. I'm not sure how much better I feel after I'm done writing it, though.

(In before somebody complains that I'm only focusing on my own feelings (see: approximately half the links in that paragraph-full-of-links there; see also the bit about "humor never works for me" if anyone was trying to get themselves banned by complaining in jest).)

13 Comments (auto-closed) (rss feed)

Bocaj

I can only offer sympathy and state that I've always thought you were a pretty cool guy.

Cleric

Root, and sucky, truth is; people that don't have depression, clinical or not, won't ever really understand what it's like. Certainly apologize, but if they don't accept it, that's on them.

It sounds corny, and painfully cliched, but hang in there.

Formica Archonis

Well, it's... nice (is 'nice' a good word for this context?) to see the Sexy Losers guy is still doing comics, even if the topic is rather darker.

Kimiko Muffin

/ Modified by Kimiko Muffin:

I think I'm pretty much recovered.

Still getting ... emotional about things, though ...

Doctor Die

That's great to hear. :D

Spent too long thinking of what to say, haha.
Just wanted to tell you that I love Homestuck just as much as I love Touhou, and I would have found Homestuck much later (if at all) and probably wouldn't have liked it as much had I not discovered your comics.

Good luck and happy New Year!

Doctor Die

That's great to hear. :D

Spent too long thinking of what to say, haha.
Just wanted to tell you that I love Homestuck just as much as I love Touhou, and I would have found Homestuck much later (if at all) and probably wouldn't have liked it as much had I not discovered your comics.

Good luck and happy New Year!

Doctor Die

Terribly sorry about the triple post. How does that even happen? D:

I feel like I didn't say what I wanted to say properly (no surprise there). Your comics are great. I check for new ones every day, and it always makes me happy to see a new one. Create.swf adventures is what got me into Homestuck, and you did a wonderful job with it, and you've done great work with this website (something I can only dream of at the moment).

Again, apologies for the triple post. (Also possibly found out that the preview button submitted my earlier comment before I pressed submit on the preview page.)

xaekin

I'm not the most amazingly empathetic person, but I'm kinda relieved to hear you say you were depressed. You kinda just... faded off a bit. It's nice to have an explanation why.

Here's hoping your next year's better than how this one seems to be ending.

Ununnilium

Okay, so.

MEGAHUGGLES!

Omegahuggles from the sky, in fact.

derp

The friend I thought I could confide in (because of multiple reassurances that she cared about me) told me to never contact her again when I mentioned that I was suicidal.

Nicolaos

Man, I've had a little bit of the blues before and I can understand about what you mean about it coming from nowhere. I've even had problems with it coming out due to things I know are not true but my worry about them has caused me to be depressed anyway. Anywho best of luck to ya.

Ozimul

It's okay. I have "episodes" like this as well, they're not fun. I usually just ride them out and pretend nothing is wrong when other people are around, and it usually goes away after a few days. *pat*

Zoom

I have little to say, mostly because everyone beat me to it. I'm sorry for not .... Err.... Whats the word.... Sooner but still, glad to hear your doing slightly better...

I can only wish you the best and offer a sujestion.

Get some sun and some fresh air, it sometimes helps with this stuff.